I Know And You Know.

Grabe. School has been very demanding ever since the semester started. I come home late every night because if its not about school matters, then it would be about social matters. Haha. You see, I also have to cope up with my social life. And it sucks because my social life is starting to compete with school stuff. But I know my priorities, so its all cool. =)

I'm blogging right now because I would like to apologize ahead of time because I will not be blogging as often as before anymore. Maybe twice a week will do, but I still don't know. But I promise to make singit the blogging stuff if I have time. Swear.

Ciao! 'Til next time.

The Rain Is A Friend.

I always have this thing for the rain. There's something in it that makes me feel good, and even myself can not explain why. For a couple of times, the rain has played an important role in my life. I always ask for the rain to pour if I need signs, and God knows why I do that.

Lately, I've been frequently asking for signs and at often times, the rain has cooperated well with what I wanted the results to be. I don't know, but there's something magical about the rain. The last time I asked for a sign, if it will rain then it would mean a "yes" and if not, it would mean a "no" obviously. I thought it would be very impossible to rain because it was summer then, it was in a middle of a very, very dry season. I wanted a "yes", but I was starting to lose hope because the sun was undeniably very hot that time. But later that day, it rained so hard. See? Life has it's little miracles.

Last Thursday night, I needed the rain. It wasn't so impossible to rain that night because the weather has finally crossed to the wet season, and the sky has been grumbling since earlier that night. I wanted the rain to pour so badly. Whatever the outcome is, I know one thing is for sure. Whether it's going to be something to be for the best, or for the worst.

And guess what?

It didn't rain.

And that made me realize one thing: No matter how you want something badly, if it isn't for you, it's never gonna be yours.

And asking for signs means one thing: Even if you already know that it's not meant to be, yet you still try your luck and you try to put fate on a test.

Reality Has Finally Made The Slap.

I was staring at the white screen. Words started to jumble around and each word my professor was saying became louder and louder to my ears.

I was on my Discrete Structures class this afternoon when I realized that I am really back to reality. Classes have really started and so, I have to concentrate now. Assignments, exams, reports, projects, meetings, and the list continues. Wah!

I wouldn't be shy to admit that I am a struggling student.

I accept the fact that I do not top the examinations, but my marks are high enough. My projects aren't always the best, but most of the time, they're the most unique. My reports aren't as bongga as others' who use high-budgeted visual aids, because I've always believed that good reports come from good reporters and not from the colorful visual aids. [I guess it's a matter of how you deliver your report, don't you think?] I have no reason to be very confident when it comes to my studies. I know just how far I can get. =)

There's no turning back, because here I am, trapped and continually crossing my fingers for another successful semester.

P.S. I'm on my third year of being on the year-level council. =)
P.P.S. Urbandub is coming on Saturday for the Muziklaban, and am like "Ohmeyged!".
P.P.P.S. I hate to accept the fact that I'm going to miss Manang Jo. Haha.
P.P.P.P.S. Game 4 tomorrow! Make me proud, Lakers! LOL.
P.P.P.P.P.S. K or I? <--What the?!

2 - 1.

It's kinda weird that every start of the school year, I get sick.

It started last June of 2006, I was on my second year in college but on my first year at Silliman University. I was hospitalized a few days before the first semester started due to upper respiratory track infection, dengue, AND measles. Imagine how ill I was then. Haha. And to cut the long story short, I missed the first three day of classes.

Then before the second semester of that same school year, I had trangkaso. Then the next school year, I had fever. Then on the second sem, I had very high fever due to my swollen tonsils. And guess what? This school year, [drum roll please] I got sick again! Woooh! Great. What a very nice experience to start a semester right?

My tonsils are swollen again and I have colds too - which made me skip the first day of classes. But I felt better this morning so I took a shower and got ready for school. Haha. But I changed my mind. I watched Game 3 of the NBA Play-Offs, instead of going to school for my Physics class. Okay, that's another story. Haha! But Lakers won! Woohoo!

I went to school this afternoon na. And oh, we didn't have a class in Physics daw, so it's all good!

Positive energy for a new semester! Come on. =)

I'm No Superstar.

I wouldn't deny the fact that I am often compared to someone else. That I am often known as the "the grandchild of..", "the daughter of..", "the cousin of..", "the niece of..", and worse: "the friend of..". I couldn't blame them. I am no superstar.

Searching for an 'identity' is like hell to me. Mom, and everyone else, wanted me to take up N before, but I told her that N isn't really my thing, and because I didn't want to give everyone the chance to compare me with my cousin who was a consistent honor student in N. Though I wanted to give N a try, I just did not because I didn't want to take the risk.

I remember before, everyone was telling me to try out sports because I didn't have one. So I tried S, B, and T that time, but I got more interested on T. I'm not good at it, but I know the basics. But I felt pressured because my other cousin was a regional T player. So I stopped because I didn't want to be compared to her skills. I just thought, maybe T isn't for me.

During family reunions, more often than not, I would always be addressed as the "granddaughter of.." or "the daughter of..". Far relatives do not know my first name, sad to say. And worse, they wouldn't even bother to ask me, or even talk to me. I bet they couldn't find any interesting spark in me, maybe that's why they do not bother to know me better. And so do I, because I know there's nothing special about me and I do not want them to compare me to others. But in the end, I still get compared to them because they made friends with other relatives and I didn't.

I didn't know where to put myself. My insecurities were eating me up and I wasn't able handle them well, that's why maybe I'm like this. I know I can never be categorized as the best, but I'm pretty sure I do not belong to the losers' zone. I am somewhere in the middle. Or so I thought?

I took up IT because I thought it's something different. It's something that my family isn't an expert of. I want to be different from them. I want to have my own identity. I know I haven't achieved anything yet, but at least, I am trying to find the right craft that I would excel in.

I'm still waiting for the right moment for me to proudly sing David Cook's "The Time Of My Life". Haha.

"And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life"

I Felt My World Started To Turn.

So summer has officially ended and classes are starting tomorrow. There's this side of me telling me to get excited about school, but I admit too, I just wish school never starts until the year 2089. But nonetheless, I'm looking forward to a more fun and exciting semester, because I know I deserve one. I'm only taking 16 units this sem - which is very lax for me, not to mention. Three majors, Discrete Math, and Physics. And I couldn't be more contented with my schedule, because I have the most convenient schedule a Sillimanian could ever have. I do not even have to jump from one building to another in just 5 minutes, because Ma'am Rivera personally arranged my schedule and she's the bomb! It's just like, from CC11 to CC04, vacant, then SC335 to SC(Physics Lab - Sorry, forgot the room number). Sillimanians should know what I'm talking about here.

I mean, don't you guys (My fellow Sillimanians) think that I'm so lucky to have that class arrangement? Haha. I remember before, I have a PE class at the gym at 2:00-3:00. Next class is Fine Arts at Guy Hall, 3:00-4:00. Then Math at the Science Complex, 4:00-5:00. Then Sociology at the Arts & Sciences building, 5:00-6:00. Then finally, 6:00-7:00, Information Management at the Business Administration building. Whew! Beat that. Imagine me, running around the campus because I didn't want to be late in class. I was in my first year college at Silliman then.

But this sem, I do not have to do that. I do not have to run around the campus like one crazy girl anymore. Haha. Thank God, I'm done with all my arts. You guys can see me at the Computer Center most of the time this sem, since most of my subjects now are majors. Or if not, try to check out Steds, I'd probably be playing cards there. LOL. But hey, honestly, I do not know what to expect from this sem because every sem is a surprise to me. Proven and tested. Haha. But I just wish it's going to be something better. You know what I mean.

Adios to summer for now and Olah to school! Summer's gone. So to the only Sun of our Solar System, please cooperate! You're extremely hot lately huh. Be kind, okay?!

And by the way, can somebody please help me realize that my batchmates are graduating on March 0f 2009, and here I am, stuck with few more subjects? Puh-lease!

Messages With No Reply.

Please spare some time and read this post. I swear, you're not going to regret it.
Got this from Peyups.

March 12, 2004


I hardly slept last night after that talk we had. I don't know what to think, I don't know how to deal with this. I'm starting to realize what our decision really meant. I'm starting to realize how it feels like to miss you and not be able to reach out.

You say you can't focus on two things at the same time. There are a lot of demands on your time right now from your org and your academics. There are a lot of opportunities opening up for you, and your dreams are finally falling into place. I don't want you to miss any chance of being who you want to be. I want to be the one who pushes you to the top, not the one who holds you down.

So if it takes letting you go for a while, I'll do that. I will not pretend I'm not hurting, because I am. But if this is the only way to show you that I believe in your dreams, then I'll give you the space you need to figure out your priorities. I just want you to know that anytime you need me, I will move heaven and earth to be there for you.

I will always hold on to the thought of you loving me, and I will wait for you to reach out to me again. I have faith in you, J. I know you are worth the risk.

Remember that I love you.

June 20, 2004


Hello, mahal. I know this is surprise for you, since we've both been silent for so long. I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks, and I think three months of space is enough time to figure things out.

I still love you. That never changed. Mula nang i-admit ko sa sarili ko na mahal kita, hindi nagbago yon. Ang nagbago lang ngayon ay yung faith ko sa relationship natin. Masakit na ma-realize yun, na aminin yun. Pero yun ang totoo, J. There are moments when I ask myself kung mahal mo ako dahil mahal mo talaga ako, o kung mahal mo ako dahil mahal kita. Sometimes I wonder if you would have loved me if things were different, if you didn't find out how I felt. Natatakot akong baka nakita ko lang ang gusto kong makita, dahil mahal nga kita. I admit that I'm insecure, J, because it was so easy for you to agree na mag-step out muna ako sa buhay mo.

J, I was willing to be there for you every step of the way sa pag-abot mo ng dreams mo. I would have gladly made the adjustments, if you ever asked me to. I wanted to be there for you, to be your partner. Nakakatakot lang kasi hindi ko naramdamang kailangan mo ako sa tabi mo. Naisip ko kasi na if you really wanted me with you, may ginawa ka nang way sa three months na nagdaan. I never thought I'd have these doubts, mahal.

I'm not asking to be your top priority, J, pero hindi ko na rin kayang tanggapin na ako yung last. Siguro dati, in my idealism, I believed I could live with that for you, but lately, I realized na magiging bitter lang ako if I didn't bring this up. I can't, I won't live like this anymore.

Do you still believe in us, J? As much as I'd like to say na sigurado pa rin ako sa relationship natin, I can't lie to myself anymore. I don't want to lose you, but I'm not really sure if what we have is still worth holding on to. I don't even know if you still need me to stay.

Please be honest. Hindi ko ito isusulat kung hindi ako prepared sa puwede kong malaman. If we break up, I want it to be for the right reasons, not because you don't think you deserve me anymore. I'll be the judge of that. If you stay, do it because you think we're worth fighting for, worth holding on to. Don't stay just because you promised, just because you don't want to hurt me. Kung yun yung reasons mo, mararamdaman ko rin yun, at mas masasaktan mo lang ako. A goodbye will hurt, but not as much as an I love you that can't be proven. I would rather have a broken heart than live a lie. It would be utterly unfair to both of us, mahal.

I guess the whole point of this letter is to ask you if you love me enough to help me believe in us again. If you no longer want to make that effort, be fair enough to tell me as soon as you decide. I've waited long enough, J.

Hindi madaling isulat ito, mahal. This hurts so much, but I need to do this.

I need to know.

June 30, 2004


I've been waiting na malaman yung mga sagot mo sa questions ko, but you never gave me any clear answers. I don't know if you still couldn't figure out my place in your life or if you simply didn't know how to tell me to let go. Either way, I have the answers I need. Nung nag-usap tayo sa text after you read my email, you never mentioned na mahal mo pa rin ako. That's ok, mahal. I guess it doesn't matter now.

I still love you. You may doubt everything else I've told you, but not that. And there's still a part of me that says maybe you still feel the same. But you know something, J? I learned that sometimes, even love isn't enough anymore. That's why I'm doing this, that's why I'm letting go. I would rather leave now, while I can still remember how you made me laugh, how you held my hand, how you called me "mahal ko". I want to keep the memories of the wonderful times we had. Ayokong hintayin na dumami ang regrets bago pa ako sumuko.

I'll miss you, mahal. But I have to accept that I'm no longer the girl you fell in love with. A lot of things have changed, a lot of mistakes have been made. I guess that's just life. I've prayed na sana hindi umabot sa ganito, but deep inside, alam kong dito na tayo matatapos. You don't know me anymore. And I don't think you have the time to get to know me again and see if you still love me. Maybe it's not worth it anymore. I'm sorry, J. For changing, for not being who you expected me to be. For a lot of things, but never for loving you.

Thank you, J. For being my first love.

For the last time, I love you, mahal ko. It's over.


Another Day Has Gone.

Today. I woke up at 1:30PM, because I slept at 4 in the morning. As I opened my eyes, I heard my stomach grumbling. So I went straight to the kitchen and tried to dig for something to eat. One of the things I hate when I wake up late is that I always get the "left-overs". Haha. So I cooked my own food. Ate lunch at around 3PM, watched TV after, turned on the computer, then played a couple of levels at Marlboro's website. Haha. I've been trying my luck for an Apple Macbook, but I only passed the first level. I won a Ducati cap, but it's not mine. Haha. It's for the person who owns the account. Haha. I still have 5 more levels to beat so I can win the Mac. Tss. I wish!

Today is so boring.

I've been surfing the net since this afternoon and my eyes are starting to hurt now. Maybe I should start wearing my glasses more often, don't you think? Haha.

P.S. I didn't make it at the Candy Blogawards. =) Loser me.

Lemme Do It.

It's time for me to do the tag from Joesyl and Precious Grace.
These girls decided to get even with me. Haha. Joke lang. Thank you, guys! Super.

You share 8 things that your readers don't know about you. Then at the end you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going.

* each blogger must post these rules first.
* each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
* at the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
* don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

I've done this before in my past blog, but I'm doing it again because I heart Joseyl && Precious Grace. =)
εїз I have 4 half-siblings. Two older and two younger. O di ba, bongga!
εїз I have different names on my birth certificate and baptismal certificate. Thank you, parents. LOL.
εїз I loathe Mathematics, and ironically, I'm taking up a course with tons of Math subjects. Tss.
εїз I, together with some friends, founded an organization at school - Alpha Delta Kappa Society.
εїз I've had three 'secret' blogs before this.
εїз Proven and tested, I can stay awake for four days straight. Beat that!
εїз I was part of the year-level council for two consecutive years. Hopefully, this coming semester too.
εїз I'm single, but not available. Haha.

Lemme break some rules. I'm getting even with everyone who reads this.
What are you waiting for? You're tagged!

Forgive The Busy People.

I didn't realize I was so busy until I checked my blog early this evening and found out that my last post was dated last May 28 - six days ago. Tsk. I had to do some stuff this past few days and I totally had no time to use the computer. But I'm back! Haha. So so so, I think it's time to update now. I can see some cobwebs here already. LOL.

Okay. Where will I start? Hmp. Oh, by the way, before I forget, here are the pictures I promised you guys before. I hope it's not too late to post them here. These are the Dolphin-watching/Sandbar/Hayahay/Payag pictures we had when Rhine, Drei, Roobee, and Jali were here in Doomsville.

About the reunion last May 28, not everyone came. Actually, not even half of the class came. Haha. Some were 'busy' doing this and that. Some weren't informed. Some just didn't go simply because they didn't want to. LOL. But nonetheless, the reunion was finally pushed through and it was fun. Amazingly, I had a great time. We didn't go to the beach anymore because we decided to chill at Justin's place instead. After lunch, some batchmates followed - Justin's inner circle. Then more batchmates followed later in the afternoon. Had few grands and tons of chikkas. LOL. The 'catching-up' was fun, though some 'news' were shocking. Hehe. But it was great, in general. But I know we could have done better than that. Ah basta, what's more important is that we had the chance to bond again, right?

I was dead on May 29. Haha. I slept the whole day because I wasn't feeling well. Hang-over. =(

I went to my Dermatologist last May 30 to have my skin checked-up. Due to too much sun exposure [Hello, it's summer. Like duh.], some white spots started to scatter around my face. I do not apply anything on my face when I'm out in the sun like sunblock, etc. So when we went to Bais to go Dolphin-watching, I was very [And I mean, VERY!] exposed to the sun. And before I knew it, white spots were all over my face already. Great. Now I look like a dalmatian. LOL. But I'm under some medications right now, and soon, these white spots are going off my skin! Shooo!

May 31-June 1, I was making Wing's AVP for her Lolo and Lola's 60th wedding anniversary. Imagine, 60 long years! It made me feel good when I saw their pictures together. Indeed, they were an inspiration to their family. The AVP was kinda serious but funny. Haha. Basta, with humor. Hope you get what I mean. LOL.

I went to school yesterday, June 2, to have myself enrolled. It wasn't as 'busy' as I thought it would be. As a matter of fact, I finished everything in 3 hours. Haha. Now I'm improving every enrollment period. Hmmm. Next semester, I'll make it in 2 hours. I'll try. Haha. Eheniwei, I love my schedule this sem. Well, it's actually the same with last sem's schedule, MWF starts at 9:00AM, and no class during morning on TTh. But this time, my TTh ends at 7PM! Grrrh. But I'm cool with it, because it's better than a 7AM class. Thank you, Ma'am Rivera, for arranging my schedule. LOL.

Then last night, went out with Kyle, Drei, and some of Drei's Bacolod friends. Drank T at Minimik, they ate balot at the boulevard, then we all went to Habhaban to give our hungry stomach a treat of 'silogs'. Yum! Then off to sleep. LOL.

Early this afternoon, I accompanied Kyle to the Dentist. Then called it a day! Haha. Seriously, I didn't do anything much today that's why I'm blogging! Woohoo!

Now, let me do my rounds.

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