The Pocket God Update.

WOW. It's been almost four months since I wrote something here. That long? I focused more on my food blog lately because I really really think it needs more of my time and attention. Don't you think so too?

Sooo anyways, the Team O went to Bacolod City last April and it was helluva fun! It's been months since we had a not-so out of town trip and I was so excited to attend Les' thanksgiving party in Bacolod because it was a good excuse to kick-off the summer season. In case you wonder, here's a detailed entry on how to go to Bacolod from Dumaguete City.

As soon as we set foot on the City of Smiles, the Dumaguete delegation got reunited with the Bacolod and Cebu delegation. It was fun to catch up with them over good food courtesy of Pao at the Carribean Waterpark and Resotel.

Team O at the Carribean Waterpark and Resotel

After the orgasmic lunch courtesy of Pao, we went to Calea (which I haven't blogged about yet) to have desserts. Well, what's going to Bacolod without visiting Calea, right? Everything we ordered were mouth-watering and I am seriously salivating right now!  Nom.

So night time came and it was already time for Les' thanksgiving party, but we still went to The Ruins (Talisay City). It's about 30 minutes away from Bacolod City. Entrance fee is Php 40.

The Ruins showcases what is left of the Don Mariano Ledesma Lacson Ancestral Home in Talisay City, Negros Occidental. During its heyday, the mansion was the largest residential structure ever built. It boasted of its garden of lilies in and around the four-tiered fountain on the mansion’s front lawn and the finest furniture, chinaware and decorative items that its owners brought from their travels across Europe and Asia. Read more

The Ruins

After the sight-seeing and picture-taking moments at The Ruins, we proceeded to Les' party at some clubhouse back in Bacolod. Although we were late but what's important is we were there to celebrate that special moment with Les. Haha labo much? :) The party was sooo fun that I forgot most parts of it. Mahaha:)

This trip to Bacolod is probably one of the most unforgettable trips of my life so far. :)

Twenty-Seven.

It’s one of those days. I don't know, but I just feel like everything in this world is ganging up on me. I know I still have a lot of issues to settle and instead of moving my ass right now, here I am, laying down on my bed, blogging. Well, at least I’m somehow trying to be productive, right? And besides, it’s too early yet. Excuses, excuses. I never ran out of them.

The ‘issues’ just kept coming one after the other and I just feel like bursting anytime soon. I must say, this has been the most down point of my life, next to that thing that happened on the summer of 2003. The sad part here is, I have no one to talk to right now. No, let me rephrase that. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it right now. Why? Well maybe because I’m really not that type of a person where I spill everything out. After all I’ve went through, I have proved to myself that people can be very judgmental. Thus, if you don’t want to be judged, then don’t just blab to everyone about everything. People really don’t care about it or worse, they’d even be happy that you’re having an effed up life. 

I have been judged and misjudged several times and up to this very day, they keep haunting the crap out of me. Every time I think about those moments, I still can’t imagine how I was able to handle it. But the important thing is that I was able to shrug it off and move on. I mean, what else is there to do but to keep the past behind and just wish those mothersuckers karma. Bad karma to them, please. 

So going back, I just wish I have someone to talk to right now. Maybe a friend who wouldn’t say something like “It’s your fault” or some sort. You see, that is also the reason why I really don’t open up to friends or even family because everything that comes out of their mouth are words that I don’t want to hear. I feel awful for crying out loud, you guys don’t have to squeeze some lime to the open wound. I just want to hear the things I want to hear because yes, I am a stubborn child of God for Christ’s sake. 

As of this moment, there is a folder, hidden somewhere, that contains 27 write-ups of unexpressed and unsaid feelings. At least, writing them keeps me sane. 

Over The Weekend.

Last weekend, I went to Bacolod City. I wanted to do a lot of stuff there but I knew I only had limited time so I made sure to make the most out of my very short visit there and that includes, of course, visiting Les. :-)

On my way to Bacolod, somewhere in Binalbagan, I think. A truck right in front of the car met an accident which caused traffic.

As soon as I step foot at the City of Smiles, I met up with Les at Enting’s. Of course, what’s a visit to Bacolod without eating at Enting’s, right? [Read Food Blog entry here] After having a very heavy lunch there, we then went to Robinson’s (with Les’ friends, Camille and Mac) to eat again. We had ice cream cake, Mexican Munchies and Fries from Taters (NOMNOM), and coffee at Bob’s. 

The four hours I spent with Les and her friends wasn’t enough for us to catch up, but it was good to see her again. 

I am hoping to go back to Bacolod any time soon. I am really fascinated with the City and everything in it, especially the people. ♥

On Happiness.

For a while you think that everything’s perfect, and that there’s nothing more you could ever want. But then you realize that it’s not how things should be. Reality is far from what we imagine. Sweet. Unpredictable. Cruel. You never know what to expect. “Life is like a box of chocolates,” Forrest Gump said. “You never know what you’re gonna get.” But chocolate, like everything else, doesn’t last.

I was so happy that day, laughing by his side. Everything seemed so perfect. It felt so different. So inevitable. For the first time, I truly felt alive, not knowing how the roots underneath were slowly dying. I revel in each moment, oblivious to the nothingness that awaits.

Why is it that each time that I am happy, I seem to pay the price with my tears? Is it because I don’t deserve to be happy? Because I’m simply unworthy? Don’t I deserve such gift like everyone else?

I have long reconciled with the fact that death would be the final payment for the debts that I owe, for the life I’ve lived, and for the memories that make me who I am. But must I take each breath of joy incompletely, knowing that pain’s unrelenting embrace awaits, as I lay shivering at the chill of the knowledge of being unworthy? Nothing is without a price after all. What we think is free has already been paid for by someone else’s tears.

I ask these questions in silence, while drowning in the fact of being alone.

He doesn’t understand. I am but the razor to make him see the truth. And I am afraid that my words might shatter his soul… and the life he gave to me.

To bathe in the glory of happiness and fulfillment, and to be pierced by daggers of ice not long after I’ve tasted the sweetness. We all live in borrowed happiness, each second fleeting, leaving you with an emptiness so full at its wake. I sit here paralyzed and unable to grasp its real meaning, not knowing how to stop hurting myself. Wanting to stay away from you yet having no courage to walk. I need to go… to shield myself from the pain that you are causing. But leaving would mean my death. My life's end. The vows we kept, the promises made, and dreams envisioned shall fade in a blur. No longer living, but not yet dead.

Forever didn’t exist.

Forever was a dream, something one could never grasp.

I would never know whether I was wrong to believe in something so unreal as death lurks in every corner, stalking its prey. The death of life and the death of hope. But with you, I believed in the happiness of living.

I believed in us.

Those fairy tales did have a semblance of reality after all. Only that life’s stories end in many ways. Among the many boxes on the storyboard, the last one always ends up torn.

For fate to bring us together and hate to tear us apart, I could never understand. I had the chocolate in my hands, but somehow along the way, a realization that too much of it can make me feel sick.

“God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."

HNY: 11 Goals for 2011.

Somewhere at the last week of 2010, I said I already gave up on love, life, and luck. But honestly, I would still want to cling to that little hope I have inside me that 2011 is a good year for me. This year, I gave myself a memorandum because if not, I’d still end up as KamilleVersion2010. I know I have been saying this every year but this time, I really mean it. I want to be a better person this 2011.

The reason why my 2010 was effed up is maybe because I didn’t set any goals. Don’t you think? So this year, I’m setting goals for myself just because.

So here are my TO-DOs for 2011:

1. Invest on books. This year, I promised myself that I will feed my brain. In 2010, the only book I finished reading was Jemima J. It’s a novel about ugly ducklings and swans. Nice read, btw. So yeah, this year, I want to expand my brain’s library. I can’t make excuses this time, like “the bookstore is out of my way” blah blah blah, because there’s always eBooks! READ.

2. Go to places. Every year, I make it a point that I get to visit another place – one place, at least. This year, I am hoping to go to more places and discover more amazing cities, provinces, and maybe countries! Yayyy!

3. Get a decent camera. I have been saving for this but every time I have the money to buy one, I end up spending it with other things. But this year, I am really determined to get a camera of my own. I can’t be leeching my Mom’s camera forever, right?

4. Save money. Yeah, so I can do #s 1, 2, and 3. ENOUGH SAID! :)

5. Blog. This year, I will do my best to take blogging seriously. Like more seriously that ever! Maybe be more active in the blogosphere, yeah? And attend blogging events to broaden my knowledge about, of course, blogging. This year, I am hoping I could put up a FOOD BLOG, which is my long-time dream. *fingers crossed*

6. Meet new people. I am hoping I get to meet lots and lots of amazing people this year, especially bloggers. Along with that, I also want to keep the ones that are worth keeping. You know, strengthen the ties and maybe rekindle old bonds? Hihi. It really feels good to be surrounded with friends and nice people so I’m looking forward to more friends this year!

7. Love life. Ok, scratch that. I am not asking for the big L this year because as far as I can remember, I have been anticipating this every year but it doesn’t really come along. As they say, muntik ng mahapit. LOL. Well, if it comes, it comes.

8. Healthy living. By that, I mean, losing weight! Haha. This is the first time I set this thing to a goal. I have always been proud of me being big but this time, I need to lose some pounds. REALLY. Let’s say for health reasons. ;-) So in line with this, I want to eat the healthy way. I really love good food and I know I have the tongue for superb dishes so I don’t know if I can stop myself from diving in. Well maybe the word here is just CONTROL. Agree? Let’s see if I can really hold back on this. I also want to cut down on my alcohol intake. I have always been the defending champion in the inumans because, sad to say, I seldom do not get drunk anymore. Over the years, my dosage for alcohol has hit the highest level, thus my body is now immune to it. FYI: But I’m no alcoholic!

9. Finish school. Yayyy! I know I’m way past my “due date”, that is why I really have to get this done and over with. :-)

10. Get a real job. Right after #9, I need to be independent and get a real job. I can’t be working online forever. I need SSS, PhilHealth, Pag-ibig, etc! LOL. But seriously, I miss how it felt like to be working in the real corporate world. FYI: I was once a call-girl! Hello, thank you for calling!

11. Get a place of my own. If lucky enough, I want to move out from our house. Not that I really want to stay away from my family but how can I be independent if I still live with them, right? I need to practice myself. Regarding #10, who knows, I might be working outside Dumaguete or even outside the Visayas region? That is why I need to experience being independent.

There, there. I have 11 major –major goals to accomplish. 11 goals for 2011. Yebaaah! I hope I will meet all these goals for this year and I’m pretty much excited to see the outcome but I will take it one day at a time. I easily have, more or less, 365 days to accomplish these goals. So let’s get it on!

It's Complicated.

This might not be the right time, but I don't really know when the perfect timing for this is. I know this is plain stupidity and that you're just making some things easier for me. This could be your way of returning the favor perhaps, but don't you think everything's been too much already? I should know my limitations for this, but with you around, it feels like as if there are no rules to follow.

You make it so easy.

You make me so careless.

Things are unclear right now, and according to some social networking site, "It's complicated". Well I've finally felt this feeling everyone's been trying to explain to me. You know the this-feels-good-but-this-is-going-nowhere feeling? Yeah, I guess this is it.

This is not going anywhere, and I bet you feel the same way too. So I suggest we make things clear by staying as friends. I know it's bleak, but this is what I want to remember -- the happy times.

The Emoness In Me.

Every time I feel the urge to write, it's either I feel too up, or too down. Just like now, I feel so shitty. I don't understand exactly, but all I know is that I feel there are a lot of things to cry about now. I've been carrying this heavy heart lately, and I just wish I have someone to cry on. I wish everything's just fine right now so that I could be happy -- WE could all be happy.

I know people change, but memories don't, right? We outgrow the things we were used to do and have. That's given, and I completely understand that. But I just think it's quite unfair that everything around me has changed and moved on, and leaving me just the way I am. Why can't I just move forward and live my life the way I should be living it?

You know the feeling when you want to do this and that because that's what you guys were used to do, but you can't because your fellas have other more important things to do anymore, and besides, it's not their thing anymore? It hurts like crap, you know, because you can't do the things you enjoy most with your friends anymore. But all you can do is just act as if you're not affected, but inside you, there's this knife stabbing every organ you have inside your human body.

I wish I have friends who are by my side right now.

So maybe no one's reaching out, or maybe someone is, but I just can't feel it. But prideorwhatsoever aside, I miss them. That's all.

Valentine's Day 2010.

When love is not madness, it is not love.

Happy Valentine's day, everyone! I'm sick and stuck in my room since the 11th. Can't go out, can't drink anymore (boohoo!), and Doc's putting me on a diet. I hope I will survive this -- the diet, that is. Lulzzz. So anyway, I thought I should post an entry about love or something like it, since it is Valentine's day today, but nah, I changed my mind. Rather, I wanna write someone a letter and she'll be reading this next V-day - February 14, 2011, since that someone is missing this year's V-day.

Dear K,

By this time, you're probably getting ready for a dinner with maybe your family or your special someone. I'd like to choose the latter, 'cause that would be exciting, don't you think? Considering that you've never spent this special day with... ehem. You know what I mean. I'm guessing you'll be receiving some chocolates and a bunch of white roses later. White, because you always thought that they're simple and elegant than those of the red ones which, as you said, looks bloody. And perhaps, Ferrero Rocher for the chocolates? I know, I know. Your favorites are Twix and Butterfinger, but come on, it's Valentine's anyway.It's about time you receive some decent Valentine chocolates.

Today, I'd like to believe you've already lost some pounds so that you could wear the black kinky dress you saw from Kamiseta. I remember you gave that dress a someday-i'll-fucking-wear-you look, and I just think that today is the best time to wear it. And oh, by the way, wear that red high heels you got from Alberto. It'd look good with the black dress.

He's probably taking you to this new resto along the boulevard and you guys will be having some fine dining. Maybe some caviar and fois gras would just be awesome for tonight. And for desert, perhaps crema de tropicale? Gawd, I'm salivating right now. Then after he pays the bill (of course, that's given already -- HE pays), you guys would chill somewhere not too noisy and crowded. You know, just talk and enjoy each others company, then maybe take you home at around past midnight.

But knowing the simple girl that you are, that is not your kind of a Valentine's day. You'd probably just hang out with your friends and get boozed, because you never want to spend your V-day with some formality, right? I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but it seems that it's just your way of the so-called defense mechanism. But blah, whatever. I hope you've grown up already by this time, and maybe realize that not everyone takes advantage of you. You're too paranoid. Lulzzz.

When you get to read this, don't forget to write me back and tell me how great your Valentine's 2011 was.

Lurve,
Yourself

I'm Still Alive.

It's been a month since I last blogged and God, I honestly don't know where to start. Well, a lot has happened but the highlight is that I already have a job. As in real job - I work 8 hours per day, 40 hours per week, and I'm paid with real money.  Lol. And because of this job, I wasn't able to attend the 85% of the whole Estrada reunion. I went to Ang Tay (venue of the reunion) right after my shift, 10pm, and the program already ended and all. Poor me. I only have 1 single picture with me on it. Haha:)

The Fantastic Four with Lolo Dad and cousins.

The Fantastic Four with Mom and cousins.

The Fantastic Four with My generation. My cousins.

And this is the only picture I'm in. Haha:) Lola Estela's line.

And because of work too, I wasn't able to see Miss Bindoy 2009 and I wasn't able to go up on stage to give the award (Online Choice Award). BTW, I made the Miss Bindoy 2009 official website.

And because of work too, I wasn't able to attend Baby Sean's baptism in Calatrava. I'm his Ninang. :)

And because of work too, I wasn't able to rest during the holy week because I had to work.

And because of work too, I wasn't able to spend much time with Manang Belle. At some point, I felt guilty for it because she was the one who "entertained" me when I was in Manila last September.

And because of work too, I wasn't able to spend time with Wing on her birthday celebration at Hayahay.

Work's been messing with all my plans but, oh well, this is how it is in the corporate world. I just have to deal with it. But I really had a hard time dealing with the fact that I had to cancel on the Bora trip (with Kuya A, Ate Liz, Wing, and cousins) this May 1-3 because of work!

McDo Commercial.

I bet you guys saw this commercial already. This has been the talk-of-the-town and the talk-of-the-blogosphere as well. This McDo ad brought me back a lot of memories when I was younger. Nostalgic, grabe. Hmmmm. It's not just about the video, but the soundtrack as well. I've always been a fan of EHeads and using "Ang Huling El Bimbo" for this ad is really a perfect choice. The whole concept is really rocking, you know. :-P

At kahit hindi rin naging kami sa huli, siya pa rin ang first love ko.
Awww! That is so sweet! First love will always be the first love.
Everyone can relate to this, right?

McDo commercials are the bombs! This one, particularly, made me kilig.

And oh, who could ever forget Lolo, Karen, and Gina [whoever she is]? :-D

Like Yeah, Roots.

Calling all ESTRADAs originally from Basilan, Zamboanga, Manila and wherever. FYI, we're having a reunion on April (holy week) here at Dumaguete City. This may sound funny but I just overheard my Lolo, Lola, and Titas talking about this the other day when some relatives came over to visit from Manila and Zamboanga. Haha. Well honestly, I'm kinda excited about this reunion since, I guess, this will be the first time for everyone to get together, and I think it's really sweet because it will be held here in Dumaguete, and everyone is flying over. This is going to be fun! :-D

Calling all VILLANUEVAs from around the world, were having a reunion on May 2009. Don't know the exact date, because I never seem to care about this reunion. The last time I attended a reunion of this side of the family, sorry, but I got bored. No offense meant. Some people chose who to mingle with, and I believe that is not what a reunion is all about, right? I think this is the problem if you have a really big big big family. But nonetheless, I am hoping for a better reunion this year. But oh well, who am I to complain? Tss.

Both sides of the family are having a reunion this summer - April and May.

Why is everybody coming up with a reunion? Hmmmm. Please don't tell me it's the end of the world. :-|

TYs.

Mommy. Lolo Dad. Lols. Manong Popoy. Kyle. Ate Kim. Tita Yeen. Uncle Vinnie. Lolo Uncle. Auntie Weena. Auntie Mila. Lola-Lola. Tita O. Nikka. Papa.

Tita Wing. Piwiw. Timon. Choi. Mar. Pusoy. Bison. Bobbyrich. Marky.

Rizza Mae. Manil. Jhoey. Mak. Jude. Koya. Porpor. Doms. Vince. Manang. Piggy Bank. Smith.

Yana. En. Gail. Bam. Drei. Chino. Jupo. RJ. Chedette. Lher. Derick.

Sir Arpee. Yuimien. Beneno. Goma. gelloXP.

Lloyd. Allen. Jude. Wing. Ate Liza. Ate Beauty. David. Panda. Wynne. Chres. Daryl. Meliza. Desiree. Hanzel. Nixx. Ricky. Elaine. Jerome. Genesis. Dee-Jay. Rose. Sinclaire. Louie.

Jai. Giowoah. Mrs. Limjoco. Jake. Mara. Klara. JM. Winsse. Isabella. Erika.

Thank you for making my birthday extra special!

...and this will be updated...

Survivor.

Looking back on my 2008, I couldn't help but give myself a tap. I couldn't imagine anymore how I survived the 365 days of 2008. I had my ups and downs, and it was super chaotic, sure thing. But here I am, still whole, alive, and kicking.

I couldn't point out anymore the important things that happened last year, but I can surely point out the things that made me happy - the times when I felt that I was in the highest point of my life. I could clearly remember that those were the months of the last quarter of the year, and honestly, I still haven't gotten over with those things. I don't know if this is good or bad, but there are a lot of feelings and actions that I brought to 2009 which, I know, should be left behind.

But yeah, here I am now, as I said, whole, alive, and kicking.

Generally, 2008 was a great year for me.

I just don't know what to expect this 2009, because I am very much aware that I didn't start my year right. Thankstoyou.

Happy Birthday.

"How old na ka today?"
"Seventeen."
"Hmmm. How long have you been seventeen?"
"For a while."

Hahahah! Ulol ka. :D

Another Open Letter.

Dear ****,

Hi. Hello. I know you're not expecting this. I chose this most difficult and hi-tech medium in writing this open letter just because I know you'll never get to read this. Never.

There are a lot of things I want to let you know, really. But something deep inside me is telling me that I shouldn't take the risk of speaking out for myself because things will only get worse. I've seen scenes just like this, and I tell you, it didn't do any good. I could honestly say that I've learned from my experiences already and it just sucks knowing that here I am again, back to the starting line, and wishing I could just make a short cut to the finish line. But sometimes, I just think I'm running on an infinite open track. It has always been like this. Always.

It isn't at all time that I will be tolerating this and just let each day pass without you realizing that I could get tired with this and that it is now your turn to move and do the impossible - to, at least, make an effort. We know I already took my chances, and now, it's your time to show me what you got. It's going to be now or never, you know.

When I get to read this again one day, I wish I could just extend a smile on my face and hopefully remember this moment. A moment where I could tell myself that at least, I tried. And on that day, I'd never wonder what this whole thing could have been, because I could swear that I made my fair share to keep the bond. I fought  for this.

If maybe, just maybe, you'll stumble upon this letter one day, all I could wish for is that you would tell yourself that you were such an idiot for taking things for granted, and that you lost without even fighting for it.

We'll talk soon, okay? :-(

Spur.

I feel terrible today. I have dysmenorrhea and the pain made me skip my classes for the day. But what made me feel more terrible is that no one would believe how severe this whole thing felt. Well, on second thoughts, maybe it's because I expected too much from my own tree.

Broken na gani, wala pa gyuy trust. That's why this tree will remain broken forever.

You're It.

I was asked, "What childhood game you like the most?".

When I was a kid, I remember my Mom would often tell me that running, biking outside the house, playing with soil, and things alike, are NO-NOs. I just felt so deprived, while every child in the neighborhood is having the time of his/her life dancing under the rain. I sure had a bike, like every kid had, but I felt so pathetic because I'm not allowed to go biking outside the house. My only track and field was our sala.

The time I started playing lupa-langit and tayokok was when I started my elementary. But later, I just gave up on those games because I wasn't so good at it. It came to a point that I just realized that maybe it wasn't really my thing. And besides, I wasn't able to practice when I was younger. I had no experience in playing those kind of games. Let's put it this way, my classmates were already "professionals" while I was still a "beginner".

But there's this game that's really close to my heart. God, I couldn't remember the last time I played hide and seek or tagu-an anymore. I know I'm too old for that game, but if I were given a chance, I'd give up anything just to hear someone say to me, "Hey, I found you", again. :-(