Got this from Peyups.
March 12, 2004
J,
I hardly slept last night after that talk we had. I don't know what to think, I don't know how to deal with this. I'm starting to realize what our decision really meant. I'm starting to realize how it feels like to miss you and not be able to reach out.
You say you can't focus on two things at the same time. There are a lot of demands on your time right now from your org and your academics. There are a lot of opportunities opening up for you, and your dreams are finally falling into place. I don't want you to miss any chance of being who you want to be. I want to be the one who pushes you to the top, not the one who holds you down.
So if it takes letting you go for a while, I'll do that. I will not pretend I'm not hurting, because I am. But if this is the only way to show you that I believe in your dreams, then I'll give you the space you need to figure out your priorities. I just want you to know that anytime you need me, I will move heaven and earth to be there for you.
I will always hold on to the thought of you loving me, and I will wait for you to reach out to me again. I have faith in you, J. I know you are worth the risk.
Remember that I love you.
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June 20, 2004
J,
Hello, mahal. I know this is surprise for you, since we've both been silent for so long. I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks, and I think three months of space is enough time to figure things out.
I still love you. That never changed. Mula nang i-admit ko sa sarili ko na mahal kita, hindi nagbago yon. Ang nagbago lang ngayon ay yung faith ko sa relationship natin. Masakit na ma-realize yun, na aminin yun. Pero yun ang totoo, J. There are moments when I ask myself kung mahal mo ako dahil mahal mo talaga ako, o kung mahal mo ako dahil mahal kita. Sometimes I wonder if you would have loved me if things were different, if you didn't find out how I felt. Natatakot akong baka nakita ko lang ang gusto kong makita, dahil mahal nga kita. I admit that I'm insecure, J, because it was so easy for you to agree na mag-step out muna ako sa buhay mo.
J, I was willing to be there for you every step of the way sa pag-abot mo ng dreams mo. I would have gladly made the adjustments, if you ever asked me to. I wanted to be there for you, to be your partner. Nakakatakot lang kasi hindi ko naramdamang kailangan mo ako sa tabi mo. Naisip ko kasi na if you really wanted me with you, may ginawa ka nang way sa three months na nagdaan. I never thought I'd have these doubts, mahal.
I'm not asking to be your top priority, J, pero hindi ko na rin kayang tanggapin na ako yung last. Siguro dati, in my idealism, I believed I could live with that for you, but lately, I realized na magiging bitter lang ako if I didn't bring this up. I can't, I won't live like this anymore.
Do you still believe in us, J? As much as I'd like to say na sigurado pa rin ako sa relationship natin, I can't lie to myself anymore. I don't want to lose you, but I'm not really sure if what we have is still worth holding on to. I don't even know if you still need me to stay.
Please be honest. Hindi ko ito isusulat kung hindi ako prepared sa puwede kong malaman. If we break up, I want it to be for the right reasons, not because you don't think you deserve me anymore. I'll be the judge of that. If you stay, do it because you think we're worth fighting for, worth holding on to. Don't stay just because you promised, just because you don't want to hurt me. Kung yun yung reasons mo, mararamdaman ko rin yun, at mas masasaktan mo lang ako. A goodbye will hurt, but not as much as an I love you that can't be proven. I would rather have a broken heart than live a lie. It would be utterly unfair to both of us, mahal.
I guess the whole point of this letter is to ask you if you love me enough to help me believe in us again. If you no longer want to make that effort, be fair enough to tell me as soon as you decide. I've waited long enough, J.
Hindi madaling isulat ito, mahal. This hurts so much, but I need to do this.
I need to know.
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June 30, 2004
J,
I've been waiting na malaman yung mga sagot mo sa questions ko, but you never gave me any clear answers. I don't know if you still couldn't figure out my place in your life or if you simply didn't know how to tell me to let go. Either way, I have the answers I need. Nung nag-usap tayo sa text after you read my email, you never mentioned na mahal mo pa rin ako. That's ok, mahal. I guess it doesn't matter now.
I still love you. You may doubt everything else I've told you, but not that. And there's still a part of me that says maybe you still feel the same. But you know something, J? I learned that sometimes, even love isn't enough anymore. That's why I'm doing this, that's why I'm letting go. I would rather leave now, while I can still remember how you made me laugh, how you held my hand, how you called me "mahal ko". I want to keep the memories of the wonderful times we had. Ayokong hintayin na dumami ang regrets bago pa ako sumuko.
I'll miss you, mahal. But I have to accept that I'm no longer the girl you fell in love with. A lot of things have changed, a lot of mistakes have been made. I guess that's just life. I've prayed na sana hindi umabot sa ganito, but deep inside, alam kong dito na tayo matatapos. You don't know me anymore. And I don't think you have the time to get to know me again and see if you still love me. Maybe it's not worth it anymore. I'm sorry, J. For changing, for not being who you expected me to be. For a lot of things, but never for loving you.
Thank you, J. For being my first love.
For the last time, I love you, mahal ko. It's over.
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