I have been searching for the right words to summarize everything I am feeling right now. Considering everything that I've been going through these past few days, numbness is in me again. I am very much aware that I am not the person I was a month ago. I have changed. Why? I do not even know why.

Last night, just before I went to sleep, a thought came across my mind. I was a better person before, when inspirations were all over me. Everyday seemed to be a big surprise for me. I couldn't get more excited each day. But lately, just before I go to sleep, I wish I'd never wake up the next morning anymore. Life's not giving me a reason to live anymore - or so I thought. And reality check: I AM STILL ALIVE.

But I realize that I am not the only one who changed. Everything around me is different now. Some changed for the better and some, just like me, changed for the worse. And honestly, I can not go any worse than this anymore! This is enough. Meaning, I am sick and tired of dealing craps in this whirl pin world.

If I decide to end my precious life right here, it would be utterly unfair for the people who have been on my side since I-can't-remember-when. Well aside from the fact that it would be a very selfish act, it is also plain stupidity. Allow me to quote my great friend, Earl:

"Inflicting pain to one's self is simply a sign of immaturity.."

If there is one thing that I can not accept to myself until now, then that would be the mere fact that I am the most immature nineteen-year-old that I know. So as much as possible, I try to fight every crap that would prove my immaturity. Hell no! I am not immature.

I'm getting weaker everyday. I am already having a hard time fighting my everyday battles. But the only thing that keeps me breathing [at least], is that I know that I AM LOVED. Though not as much as the people who loved me before, but nonetheless, I am still loved.

People still see me as the bubbly and strong person that they know. But when I am alone, I cry, because I know that I have been faking my smiles and all the while, I have been pretending. I used to be good in pretending but maybe masks peel off too. I can not wait until I only have my hands to cover my face. MY MASK IS PEELING OFF. I need to be strong..

♥♥♥ Stay.. ♥♥♥

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